Smooth... with a capital SMOO! -- Cat, Red Dwarf
Me and my cats
- Always give generously. A small bird or rodent left on
the bed tells them, I care.
- Climb your way to the top. That's why the drapes are there.
- Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
- Find your place in the sun. Especially if it happens to be
on that nice pile of warm, clean laundry.
- If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over
several expensive antique lamps.
- Life is hard, then you nap.
- Make your mark in the world. Or at least spray in each corner.
- Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.
- Variety is the spice of life. One day ignore people, the next
day annoy them.
- When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty
or thirty times.
- When in doubt, cop an attitude.
- Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet.
- "Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass." -- Cheers
- Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable
to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed
to be a cat. - Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour.
- Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will
urinate on your computer.
- I thought I saw a pussycat... -- Tweety
- Faster, pussycat, kill, kill! -- Russ Meyer
- He wanted a pet, so he asked for an octopus, thinking it would be an
- Hit her with a squirtgun like you're trying to train a cat to stay
off the sofa. -- Loveline
- I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse.
- If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat, and dropped it from
a height, on which side would it land?
- I think they're blaming the cat. -- the bunnies' theory about why
Megan Coughlin now have a vacuum
- I want to be a lion. Everybody wants to pass as cats. -- Counting Crows
- I would love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and floss my cat.
- Never wear anything that panics the cat. -- PJ O'Rourke
- People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
- Subliminal kitty messages? "You are getting very sleepy" is not a
command when said to a cat; it is an eternal truth. -- Ari Rapkin
- Sure, we just route the main sensor through Data's cat.
- THE PET PRINCIPLE: No matter which side of the door the cat or dog
is on, it's the wrong side.
- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats.
- These aren't my thoughts, they're my cat walking on the keyboard.
- To a cat, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking".
- Wake up and smell the cat food in your bank account. -- They Might Be Giants
- We're staying together for the sake of the cats. - Bumper sticker
- When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. -- Rodney Dangerfield
- Where the hell are the singing cats? -- Paul Newman to David Letterman
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why must I feel like that? Why must I chase the cat? -- George Clinton
- You might be a redneck if your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- A cats worst enemy is a closed door.
- Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
-- Robert Heinlein
- Isn't there always a cat napping on whatever you're reading?
- Moroccan Proverb: An old cat will not learn how to dance.
- A cat that jumps on a hot stove will never jump on a hot stove again.
Neither will it jump on a cold stove. -- Michael Cameron
- We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that
is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a
hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore, either.
-- Mark Twain
- A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
-- Ben Franklin
- A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in
no other way. -- Mark Twain
- After dark all cats are leopards. -- Native American Proverb
- All I need to know I learned from my cat.
- Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
- Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a
function. -- Garrison Keillor
- Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know.
- Fear is a slinking cat I find beneath the lilacs of my mind.
-- Sophie Tunnel
- How important is freshness in a dry cat food? To a cat, it's very important.
- If a cat does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing,
for the same reason, we call it intelligence. -- Will Cuppy
- Never try to outstubborn a cat. - Lazarus Long, Time Enough for Love
- Often the cats who need the most affection are the ones that are the
most difficult to love and scratch you when you're trying to pet them.
- One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that
a cat has only nine lives.
- Only my cat understands me.
- Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap
and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to
- That project is a goat rodeo. It's like an exercise in herding cats.
- The idea of calm exists in a sitting cat. -- Jules Renard
- The world is a cat toy.
- To the cat, the experimenter is problematic.
- You can't look at a sleeping cat and be tense. -- Jane Pauley
Cats and Dogs
- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through the snow. -- Jeff Valdez
- You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
- Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of
cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
-- Steven Wright
- Letting sleeping dogs lie, sleeping cats fry. - Me 90
- MEOW...SPLAT...RUFF...SPLAT...(Raining cats & dogs)
- The dog needs the high grass so he can hide from the neighborhood cats.
-- Men's Health, on how to get out of mowing the lawn
- You burp, and guys think it's adorable. You puke, and they fight to hold
your hair back. -- The Truth about Cats and Dogs
- Women and cats do as they dammed well please, and men and dogs had best
learn to live with it.
- A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
- And what are cat diapers called? PamPurrs?
- Blond Medical Dictionary Term: Cat Scan, n. - Search for kitty.
- A cat has paws at the end of its claws; a comma has pause at the end of
- Bird feeders also double as cat feeders.
- Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
- Chrysler killed the cat.
- Fiddle: Friction of a horse's tail on a cat's entrails.
- Geek status symbol #104: Your three cats are named 'sed' 'grep' and 'awk'.
- He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.
- I fed some lemon to my cat and now I have a sour puss.
- If you throw a cat out the car window, is it kitty litter?
- Large mountain cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
- Macrobiotic cats eat brown mice.
- My other cat is a Jaguar.
- Palindrome: Was it a car or a cat I saw?
- Rigor Morris. The cat is dead.
- The moving cat sheds, and having shed, moves on...
- You're feline sleepwear. The cat's pajamas. -- Joann Boyd
- Suffering Sucatash -- Sylvester the Cat
- Let's face it, buddy. I have a body that makes *men* wet! -- Cat, Red Dwarf
- Most people leave their bodies to medical science. I'm leaving mine
to the Louvre, baby! -- Cat, Red Dwarf
- Smooth... with a capital SMOO! -- Cat, Red Dwarf
- What's wrong with your face? It's upside-down and inside out, that's what!
Oowww! -- Cat, Red Dwarf
- He pushed me off a building, just when I was beginning to feel good
about myself. -- Catwoman
- I'm a woman, and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch.
Now so am I. -- Catwoman, Batman Returns
- I believe that one day everyone, everywhere will know the wonders
of my nipples. -- Stimpson J. Cat
- You can't help that. We're all mad here. -- The Cheshire Cat
- You must be mad, said the Cheshire Cat, or you wouldn't have
come here. -- Lewis Carroll
- "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
-- Lewis Carroll
People About Cats
- Actually, cats do this to protect you from gnomes who come and steal your
breath while you sleep. -- John Dobbin
- Don't think that I'm silly for liking it, I just happen to like the
simple little things, and I love cats! -- Michelle Gardner
- Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat.
When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, pee
on your owner. -- Gary Smith
- Fans think they want to see more than the 10 to 20 seconds of Itchy
and Scratchy that we put on the show, but my feeling is less is more.
Once you've skinned and flayed a cat, ripped his head off, made him drink
acid and tied his tongue to the moon, there really isn't that much to say.
-- Matt Groening, 1993
- God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
other things. -- Pablo Picasso
- I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals. -- Winston Churchill
- I'm aloof, I like to run around outside, but I also like to curl up
in warm spots. I eat fish. -- Megan Coughlin on why she'd make a good cat
- The naming of cats is a difficult matter. It isn't just one of your
holiday games. You may think at first I'm mad as a hatter. When I tell
you a cat must have three different names... -- T.S. Eliot
- The sun rose slowly, like a fiery furball coughed up uneasily onto
a sky-blue carpet by a giant unseen cat. -- Michael McGarel
- We need a word for all the kitty-prints that are all over my windshield
because the cats like to lie on my hood when the car is still warm.
-- Megan Coughlin
- When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me
rather than I with her? -- Montaigne
- You can visualize a hundred cats. Beyond that, you can't. Two hundred,
five hundred, it all looks the same. -- Jack Wright (of Kingston, Ontario,
the Guinness Book record holder for the owner of the most cats at one time )
- You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull
his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you
understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals
here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
-- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio
- Aim for the cat, dude! Aim for a cat! -- Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
- A cat will almost always blink when hit with a sledgehammer.
- Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
- Curiosity didn't kill the cat. I got 'im with the mower
- Dead cat brush - From 101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
- How did you manage to get so much custard out of such a small cat?
-- Blackadder IV
- I always introduce my dates to my cat, Ralph. Then I mention that
I neutered him myself.
- I drove to the preview of this film with all the hopeful anticipation
of someone about to lick the inside of a cat's litter box. -- Mr. Cranky
- I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
- I'm just saying it's easier to kill a cat than dispose of a car. -- John Dobbin
- I'm not the slightest bit interested in smelling anything cats
have to say, thanks very much. -- Rimmer, Red Dwarf
- Jack Neafsey's Know-When-to-Quit Law: The more you run over a
dead cat, the flatter it gets.
- Men say they like cats but when women aren't watching men kick cats.
- Natural High: petting a cat and listening to it purr. Natural Low:
petting a cat and... (oh, never mind that's too gross).
- PS: stinks of cat around here! Pew! -- Robert Harley
- Style. Beauty. Grace. That's what matters. If cats looked like
frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are.
-- Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
- The damned cats like pushing the reset button on my computer. -- Adam Rifkin
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms
dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. And didja know that cats
throw up twice their body weight when dizzy?
- The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat
-- Ogden Nash.
- There are many ways to skin a cat, and I'm not here to pull out the
guts and make guitar strings. -- Alan Heirich
- There are more ways of killing a cat than choking it with cream.
- There's more than one way to skin a cat: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
- Took an hour to bury the cat. Damn thing kept moving.
- Ways to skin a cat #27: Use an electric belt sander.
- You look as happy as a man who thought a cat had done its business on
his pie but then it turned out to be a really big blackberry. -- Blackadder III
- You'd really spend about a hundred dollars for fake testicles for your
cat? I'm not sure I'd spend that for fake testicles for myself. -- John Dobbin
- Your cat's missing? Have you checked my bumper?
- Maybe I fed the cat. Maybe I didn't. -- overheard at the Schroedinger household
- WANTED: Schroedinger's cat. Dead or alive.
- We're very sorry, Mister Schroedinger, but the cat refuses to go in the box.
- You might be a physics major... if the Humane society has you arrested
because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
Why Cats Are Better Than Women
- A cat doesn't know what a remote control is.
- A cat loves you until it dies.
- You don't have to tell your cat you love it - it knows you do.
- A cat likes to be petted, anywhere, anytime.
- Cats don't expect breakfast in the morning.
- Cats don't ly, quibble, argue, pout.
- Everything you do is interesting.
- Cats need little space, a sunny spot in the window will do.
- Cats don't smoke, drink, do drugs.
- You don't have to tell a cat it's pretty.
- A cat doesn't care if you haven't shaved for two days.
- A cat doesn't want to borrow money from you.
- Cats love to scrap bills and taxforms.
- You don't need to buy your cat expensive presents on it's birthday.
- You don't need to buy your cats mother expensive presents on her birthday.